I feel like this has been far too long in coming & there’s no good way to begin except to just come right out and say it. We had a miscarriage. I think anyone who has had one never expects it to happen to them and then it does and you kind of somehow feel lost, at least that’s how I felt, I think. I’m still processing and probably will be for some time but I kind of needed to share. I wanted to because I feel like I’ve been a little MIA, off my game, and I’ve learned that there are so many women who have gone through what I have or worse.
So, a little back story I suppose. Growing up, all I ever wanted was to be married & have a family. I’ve loved children my whole life. I love playing with them, loving them, & helping shape who they will become. I dreamed of taking my children to church, soccer or ballet, Christmas mornings, & more but those dreams were delayed according to my timeline but God knew.
I finally found the my love again in 2015, married him in April of 2016, became a step mom to the most adorable & sweetest little girl I could have prayed for, & began our journey to begin a family. We just decided to see what God did in expanding our family so we just lived our lives, figured out marriage (thus far), step-parenthood for me, and just kept dreaming and praying. I admit I cried a few times to Gabe & to God wondering & asking when or if we’d have children of our own. But we kept trusting God’s plan & timing.
Then the end of September things got a little weird & we was surprised & overjoyed to find out that I was pregnant!!!!!! He had answered! I wasn’t too old! My hormones weren’t to wonky! We were gonna give Violet a sibling & maybe Gabe a son & me my first born!!! We didn’t wait long to tell family & close friends. We wanted those who were “cheering” us on to celebrate with us & they did! I started a registry for baby things on Amazon, walking the baby aisles at Target, & praying over this child of ours. I dreamed of decorating the nursery, holding my child in the middle of the night just he (a lot of us thought it was gonna be a boy) & I, started playing with names, and then things just weren’t what I would consider normal. We had a couple of ER visits and had blood work with rising HCG levels & an ultrasound that showed the tech the heartbeat, 139 beats a minute, but I was alone & wanted to hear it with Gabe so I never heard the heartbeat.
From the first ER trip Gabe was amazing! He held my hand & reminded me that no matter the outcome it was gonna be okay & that God was still good. I needed to hear these words over & over again. He knew what I needed. I’ll spare you the details but we went into the initial appointment to hear the heartbeat & get some answers as to why things had been going the way they were & then the ultrasound tech didn’t say anything about a heartbeat and told me I was measuring behind what we had thought where we should be. The mood was somber but I thought maybe different techs, different machines maybe she was wrong. She took us to another room to meet with the doctor. As soon as she walked in I knew something was wrong. She was great. She told me nothing was my fault & this didn’t dictate how any future pregnancy would go. She gave me my options & we walked to the car numb, sat there, cried, & held each other. Our baby was gone.
I had had some pregnancy symptoms but nothing too crazy so the whole pregnancy didn’t seem too real to me. So, when the loss happened it took some time to sink in that we had actually had our own little miracle growing inside me – a person with a purpose and a plan for his life…his very short life. I was thankful it happened early before we even heard the heartbeat or felt him. I think it would have been harder to walk through the loss then. I have heard stories far more painful than ours & I can’t imagine walking through them. There are some very strong couples out there.
7 weeks from finding out that we were not going to meet our baby & I’m still processing it all. I’m not ashamed, I don’t feel like it was my fault (most of the time – I don’t let my mind sit there very long), I’ve been angry & felt like it wasn’t fair, & I’ve wondered why. I still don’t understand & my heart still hurts & I think my hormones are still getting the better of me but I do know this. . . NO MATTER WHAT GOD IS GOOD! He has a plan, a good plan for us! He does not give us more than we can handle & I am stronger, more compassionate, & thankful that I do have a child of my own and we will meet him one day.
It is funny how the holidays can kind of get you in different ways. We wouldn’t have had a baby to watch open presents or snuggle on Christmas morning but I probably would have been showing more & the thoughts of next Christmas with a little one would have been so joyful but this Christmas season I’m feeling the loss & it hurts. I’m trying to keep my mind occupied with other things but I know I need to process & walk through the loss & pain to heal. I know one day we’ll wake up on a Christmas morning with more little scampering feet, a tired preteen, & a house full of warmth & joy. For now I’m thankful for my amazing husband & the precious gift of my step daughter & friends & family who listen, who cry, encourage, who love well.
If you know me, you know I find peace and God in music. This week I bought Jeremy Riddle’s new album on a whim & this song has been my source of hope & strength the last few days. I haven’t been perfect with the hope & strength but I’m finding it again.
Also, my friend Sam took some pictures of me not very long after we lost the baby. I needed headshots but I also believe that pictures are wonderful for documenting seasons and I needed my life at that moment to permanently captured. Thank you, Sam, for being so sensitive & kind.